Written by Gwen Mlondobozi
Faith is a crazy thing. There have been times in my life where having faith has been the easiest thing; the thought of not having it would've been crazy. Then there are seasons, like the one I find myself in now, where faith sounds like a crazy reality; a place where doubt and uncertainty make more sense. But yet, that still small voice keeps calling me home. This place makes me think of the Israelites' 40-year journey to the Promised Land. Had I been there in the desert, with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, who would I have been?
I would have liked to have been brave and courageous, believing in the Lord despite the circumstances and the unseen Promised Land. Yet, today I am in my own desert, feeling as if the Lord is far from me. So, I choose courage and bravery, believing He is right with me whether I feel Him or not. I choose to hold on to His Word as it holds on to me. In the midst of this dry land, I have a flicker of hope that I will see Him and feel Him again. With the beckoning of a still small voice I am reminded of these scriptures.
Hebrews 13:5 (NKJV)
'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'
Psalm 139:7-8 (NIV)
'Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.'
Luke 15:4 (NIV)
'Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?'
Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)
'Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.'
They all sound crazy, yet in my heart I cannot believe them to be false. I have carried these scriptures with me and now, when feeling a little lost, they carry me. God never promised an easy, clear, and predictable path, but He did promise, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' The all-wise and all-knowing God knew that you and I would cross bridges in life so wobbly and scary that we would feel alone and even lost. So, He gave us that promise to carry us across the scary lonely paths of life. If a God like that exists; He is a loving God. In this scary place I find myself, God reminds me that He is surrounding me through it all, in the heavens and in the depths of despair, He is there.
Like doubting Thomas... may He love me through my doubt into believing boldly and wildly again.
Most of my life I have found myself in a Christian family, with Christian friends, and a Christian upbringing; the Lord has never felt far. The guilt of His distant voice and the shame of not being close to Him is almost crippling. However, I feel like that one lost sheep, and I know He is searching for me, calling me back to Him. It’s crazy I do not see or feel the Lord but, like a lost sheep He is calling out and distantly I hear a voice. He is with me. I have faith like a mustard seed; very small, yet I know that is all He wants. I also know that He can use it to move the mountain in front of me to see Him again.
So until then, I have learned from those who have walked before me:
- I won't grumble and complain about the manna (the food that fell from the sky in the 40-year journey) that tastes the same and doesn’t feel different (my manna being the monotony of everyday). The manna is a miracle' a reminder of his provision.
- I will keep on making good choices. Some of those walking with me are being swallowed by the ground for their unrighteous ways and others are rising up, becoming history makers and boldly walking into their Promised Land.
I will keep on believing.
Faith is carrying me toward that which I hope for but cannot see.
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